Mom

Mom

You want to know what?
I hate you
I hate everything about you.
You try so hard to kiss my ass
to buy my love
but it won’t work.
I found those little white pills
with the 30 on the top hidden in your room.

I know your stupid secrets
those men every night
weren’t friends.
That white powder was never sugar for your coffee
and red eyes never meant you had an infection.

I’m sick of you
you made my life hell,
you destroyed me
sent me to bed crying
wondering why you neglected me.

Remember that day in the court room?
You wore a dirty green wife beater
tan baggy shorts
and had that all to common
eye infection.
that day I got on the witness stand
and finally told you goodbye.

You sent me letters after that
everyday for a year,
obsessing over colored paper.

Telling me you love me,
you miss me
and your sorry
but do you want to know what?

You never missed me,
you missed the child support
drug support
ha,
you were never sorry
you’re a God damn liar.

You left me,
over and over again
each time breaking me with those letters
“I’m clean baby” “you can come home now baby”
saying “I’m better now”
once with a picture of yourself.
Eyes sunk into your head
skin tinted green
you are NOT clean.

I never answered you
but I kept every letter
even that picture
all hidden in my room
my secret.

That way I could never forget what you did to me.
Leaving me to raise my sister and myself
holding her, rocking her until she fell asleep
Ingnoring the seemingly endless screams from your room.

I will always remember why I hate you
so I will never again fall
for your lies
your manipulation.

I will never forget who you are, mom
I will never forgive you.
I won’t let you buy my love,
or my forgiveness.
But I’ll let you kiss my ass.
I’ll let you buy my attention
with clothes, restaurants,
and that crisp 20 dollar bill every week.
For one reason,
I miss you.