Mom

It’s May tomorrow.
The time of year when
Those lilacs you love,
They pop from the buds
On the trees in our yard
Puncturing the stale winter air
With white and purple aromas
And when I was little dad would
Hold me up to the branch with scissors
So I could cut some down for you
And hold them in my little hands
Out to you, under the bright lights
In the chaos of post-performance.
I was barely as high as the top
Of your bunched, pink legwarmers
When you taught me my first step,
You danced through those years
And in the breath of your floral skirt,
I followed you
Looked up at you and wished on stars
And satin ballet slippers
For half of your grace.
You belonged on the stage
But even when you put away those
Leotards and pointe shoes for good,
Hung them on the window where they
Still gather dust,
Your poise followed you always
Through life
It’s May tomorrow.
And 4 Mays ago
I thought I might have seen you
Dance for the last time.
I know I didn’t look at you the same
In that hospital bed as I did on that stage
I know that when I held your hand
Puffy from the chemo
And helped you brush away the clumps of hair
From your pillow
I didn’t seem willing
I didn’t seem caring
I know that my eyes didn’t shine for you
On slow walks through the Gibson wing
Pushing your IV cart
Bringing hospital lunches
And cards
And gifts
But no flowers
Because of the germs
To your white washed room
Like they shone for you
After Ballet Doll or Banana Phone
When I was 5
And all I knew was your light.
And I know that I ran
From what I saw
Robbing you of that brilliance,
My ears still pound sometimes
With the screaming
Shattered porcelain and fights
I never meant to cause
Angry, terrified
Words
I never meant to say
I know I made it seem like
I-tunes and Jake’s party and
High school
Were more important than you
And I’m ashamed
Of all the days I let go by
In silence
When I had watched Dad cry,
Every day was a new battle for you
And it threatened every day
To take you away,
I was scared.
But what you don’t know
Is that I was just as proud
Of your spirit
That jingled in the angel charm
Hanging from your IV cart
That resonated in the singing card,
“You’re a survivor”
That warmed you in the prayer quilt
The church made for you
That fought hardest
When your body was weakest.
Your strength was my strength
And I know it should have been
The other way around
And I don’t know if you know that
I’m sorry
That tomorrow is May
And 4 Mays ago
Every day became an unknown
And I still haven’t told you
That underneath who we’ll never be again
Is who we are
And I’ll never stop dancing
Because you never stopped dancing